One Uneasy Self

One Uneasy Self

Longing to snug in the warmth of cosy nature with my loved ones, I set off with my family towards the mystic land of clouds bidding goodbye to the City of Joy with all her pomp and grandeur and the trail of happiness sparkling through each and every corner, spilling laughter and cheerful colours of the greatest of festivals. First time ever in my life I chose to sneak away in the loneliness, not being a part of the happiness around. I forgot to celebrate the joy of homecoming of every woman and defying the emotions, I tried to seek my happiness outside ignoring the cry of the woman inside me. So on the most auspicious day of our greatest of celebrations I flew off to the Clouds’ own Country.

After waking up from a long slumber, we started preparing bit by bit combating our daily challenges. Neither diseases nor responsibilities could weaken our steps or burden our shoulders. Might be everything is not in its right place, but we had our spirits high up. The little one with all his exuberance, fighting hard with his illness, cheered us enough to venture for the trip. Now nothing could stop us. Leaving all behind we set off to bask in love in the lap of nature.

With limited time and countless activities we managed to pack our week’s daily fare, obviously adjusting and re adjusting and rumbling through things over and over again. Lending half of my self to theAshtami celebration and religiously following the rituals half of the day, I bade adieu to the puja pandals and started early in the fear of getting stuck amongst the revelling crowd.

Waiting never seems boring with loved ones, especially if a cheerful little spirited boy can eagerly be a constant source of entertainment. Half away from the Goddess and half forgetting the rituals we sinfully indulged in the crispiness of chicken bites. After waiting a while we finally cut the cord of festivity and flew off towards solitude. My Queenly city with all her gems and jewels glittered in the night sky and finally faded away from my window screen. After an hour or a little more we finally descended to the gateway of an unknown land. It is unknown not because world doesn’t know it, but because I know not many things about it.

The Goddess had her blessings everywhere and seemed like didnot want us to leave her. From the very onset of our journey she kept reminding me of my inabilities to embrace her Divine presence.

Finally we reached our night abode and the vibes and frequencies around me started to tell me that something was not there in the right place and what it was I didn’t know. Till this date, it’s a mystery for me…..whether it is the hotel room or the place itself or the situation or we ourselves…I clearly don’t know.

After a sleepless night dawn broke in and I started preparing for the day waking up the father and the son. The elegant white sedan waited for us. Now the real phase of our journey started. A mountain defining two states welcomed us to invade through the steep roads and lost into the sombre silence of mist and mystery.
Hills has always been an amazing source of inspiration to me, to introspect and retrospect. Self echoes back like a mirror pointing out your KARMA…reflecting and re reflecting the life. The immense confidence and ego with which I started suddenly betrayed me in the halfway leaving me half embarrassed and a lot more frightened. Everything inside me churned up leaving a feeling of upside down. Perplexed and terrified I looked at my son finding him serenely enjoying the beauty of nature. How could this happen to me after so long a time! A few minutes back I was perfectly okay. It was he, for whom we were bothered. Screamed, shouted, cried at him…as if his illness was his fault and he had done that deliberately. Even I was in doubt with the father too. But now I can realise that the real fault is within me. Thinking myself  a superior being and belittling my family’s effort, even ignoring their eagerness for love and leisure; turned out to be a great mistake. My real weaker self came out and I was so ashamed of myself. I have always been shielded by my family. This time also it was no exception. It was me who had messed up the vacation, not they. My husband and my little son accepted me without any grudge and never blamed me for a second. I felt bad that my son could not visit his most cherished place because I was unfit to go there, but he accepted that smilingly without any complaint.

I realise that it’s not me who hold us together, it is the love and respect, care and concern among ourselves that hold us together. Even the little boy has so much stamina to stay strong and encourage in the time of needs. It is my Karma, my ego which is paying back making me feel shameful and it is their unconditional love for me that is helping me to gather myself bit by bit and look for a new enlivened vacation with lots of fun. I am blessed to have such loved ones. Another thing that I realise is that I have missed the greatest festival badly and will never ever want to miss it again. It’s not only a festival, it’s a blessing, a homecoming, a happiness and light around.

NOTE: This is my inner experience while falling sick during the course of a vacation. It was a long awaited vacation and we had been through many hindrances before stepping off from Kolkata during Durga Puja.

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